Today is a ‘dark place’ day. One of those days where I feel sick again and am having trouble getting the motivation to push through it. Having a chronic illness is no picnic, not for myself and I’m sure not for the people around me that have to deal with the repercussions of associating with me.
I’m tired of disappointing people because I don’t feel good and can’t fulfill obligations. I’m tired of having to pretend at work and at school that I am ok when I’m not. It’s hard enough being sick but down right exhausting having to convince people that you’re not and you’re feeling healthy enough to get through the day.
When I’m having a dark place day, I feel hopeless. I feel like I will never feel normal again, well normal for me. I was always the first one willing to go to a concert, take an unexpected road trip, try a new class. I was in great shape and always at the gym. I was energetic and always up for fun. I guess that was my normal. This is now my new normal. It’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes.
I know I should be thankful. Right now my illness is not life threatening. I just wish my illness was manageable.